Saturday, March 29, 2008

Season Preview

The last few years, I've done haiku season previews. This year, I got lazy. (and, well, every Tom, Dick and Harry does haikus now, and I need to stay hip and on the cutting edge of what today's kids want)

So, instead, I present what's going to happen (take it to Vegas) in the internet's second-laziest "art" form, the six-word novel.


  • AMERICAN LEAGUE

    EAST

    New York (96-66)
    Big bats overcome a diving Jeter.

    Boston (94-68)
    Old guys, overrated kids: bad combo

    Toronto (86-76)
    WHAM! Window shuts loudly. Too late.

    Tampa Bay (82-80)
    Exorcised the devil. On righteous path.

    Baltimore (62-100)
    Orioles Magic? Their fate now tragic.

    CENTRAL

    Cleveland (89-73)
    Cleveland rocks with Sabbathia's ever step.

    Detroit (88-74)
    Big bats. Big waists. Overrated arms.

    Minnesota (80-82)
    Ya darn tootin' we miss Santana.

    Chicago (75-87)
    Put another "L" on the board

    Kansas City (74-88)
    Far East meets Midwest. Mixed results.

    WEST

    Seattle (86-76)
    War of attrition creates strange winners.

    Los Angeles (84-78)
    Pitchers drop. Batters creak. Expectations suffer.

    Oakland (77-85)
    Magic Beane trades. Team still wins.

    Texas (64-98)
    Team bloats, stinks in oppressive heat.


  • NATIONAL LEAGUE

    EAST

    New York (94-68)
    Randolph smiles. No public executions. Yet.

    Atlanta (90-72)
    1995 grows one year further away.

    Philadelphia (88-74)
    Poof! Crash! Smoke and mirrors disappear.

    Washington (75-87)
    Acta walks toward the mound, again.

    Florida (66-96)
    The game continues, enveloped by silence.

    CENTRAL

    Milwaukee (89-73)
    Tears of joy make watery beer.

    Chicago (87-75)
    100 years of solitude last indefinitely.

    Cincinnati (82-80)
    Dunn's homers don't clog the bases.

    St. Louis (79-83)
    Have another Bud. Summer lasts long.

    Houston (73-89)
    Houston has problems. Mission is scrubbed.

    Pittsburgh (69-93)
    Incline rises. Fortunes will, too. Soon.

    WEST

    Arizona (91-71)
    In Pythagoras' battle, youth shall win.

    Los Angeles (89-73)
    In Western gunfight, youth shall rot.

    Colorado (84-78)
    Red hot fires burn out eventually.

    San Diego (78-84)
    Immobile outfield gives more than it takes.

    San Francisco (59-103)
    Bats match zeros Lincecum puts up.


  • AWARDS AND RESULTS

    AL MVP: Ichiro
    Shiny batting average makes writers drool.

    AL CYA: Erick Bedard
    If he stays healthy, K's mount.

    AL CHAMP: New York
    Kids aged 8 can't count ringzzzz.


  • NL MVP: Jose Reyes
    Rounding third. Home safe -- This year.

    NL CYA: Johan Santana
    Here's the pitch. Strike three, called!

    NL CHAMP: Atlanta
    Before the sunset, one last ride.

    World Series Champ: Atlanta
    Dixie hopes third time's the charm.

    8 Comments:

    Post a Comment

    << Home