Season Preview
The last few years, I've done haiku season previews. This year, I got lazy. (and, well, every Tom, Dick and Harry does haikus now, and I need to stay hip and on the cutting edge of what today's kids want)
So, instead, I present what's going to happen (take it to Vegas) in the internet's second-laziest "art" form, the six-word novel.
AMERICAN LEAGUE
EAST
New York (96-66)
Big bats overcome a diving Jeter.
Boston (94-68)
Old guys, overrated kids: bad combo
Toronto (86-76)
WHAM! Window shuts loudly. Too late.
Tampa Bay (82-80)
Exorcised the devil. On righteous path.
Baltimore (62-100)
Orioles Magic? Their fate now tragic.
CENTRAL
Cleveland (89-73)
Cleveland rocks with Sabbathia's ever step.
Detroit (88-74)
Big bats. Big waists. Overrated arms.
Minnesota (80-82)
Ya darn tootin' we miss Santana.
Chicago (75-87)
Put another "L" on the board
Kansas City (74-88)
Far East meets Midwest. Mixed results.
WEST
Seattle (86-76)
War of attrition creates strange winners.
Los Angeles (84-78)
Pitchers drop. Batters creak. Expectations suffer.
Oakland (77-85)
Magic Beane trades. Team still wins.
Texas (64-98)
Team bloats, stinks in oppressive heat.
NATIONAL LEAGUE
EAST
New York (94-68)
Randolph smiles. No public executions. Yet.
Atlanta (90-72)
1995 grows one year further away.
Philadelphia (88-74)
Poof! Crash! Smoke and mirrors disappear.
Washington (75-87)
Acta walks toward the mound, again.
Florida (66-96)
The game continues, enveloped by silence.
CENTRAL
Milwaukee (89-73)
Tears of joy make watery beer.
Chicago (87-75)
100 years of solitude last indefinitely.
Cincinnati (82-80)
Dunn's homers don't clog the bases.
St. Louis (79-83)
Have another Bud. Summer lasts long.
Houston (73-89)
Houston has problems. Mission is scrubbed.
Pittsburgh (69-93)
Incline rises. Fortunes will, too. Soon.
WEST
Arizona (91-71)
In Pythagoras' battle, youth shall win.
Los Angeles (89-73)
In Western gunfight, youth shall rot.
Colorado (84-78)
Red hot fires burn out eventually.
San Diego (78-84)
Immobile outfield gives more than it takes.
San Francisco (59-103)
Bats match zeros Lincecum puts up.
AWARDS AND RESULTS
AL MVP: Ichiro
Shiny batting average makes writers drool.
AL CYA: Erick Bedard
If he stays healthy, K's mount.
AL CHAMP: New York
Kids aged 8 can't count ringzzzz.
NL MVP: Jose Reyes
Rounding third. Home safe -- This year.
NL CYA: Johan Santana
Here's the pitch. Strike three, called!
NL CHAMP: Atlanta
Before the sunset, one last ride.
World Series Champ: Atlanta
Dixie hopes third time's the charm.
So, instead, I present what's going to happen (take it to Vegas) in the internet's second-laziest "art" form, the six-word novel.
EAST
New York (96-66)
Big bats overcome a diving Jeter.
Boston (94-68)
Old guys, overrated kids: bad combo
Toronto (86-76)
WHAM! Window shuts loudly. Too late.
Tampa Bay (82-80)
Exorcised the devil. On righteous path.
Baltimore (62-100)
Orioles Magic? Their fate now tragic.
CENTRAL
Cleveland (89-73)
Cleveland rocks with Sabbathia's ever step.
Detroit (88-74)
Big bats. Big waists. Overrated arms.
Minnesota (80-82)
Ya darn tootin' we miss Santana.
Chicago (75-87)
Put another "L" on the board
Kansas City (74-88)
Far East meets Midwest. Mixed results.
WEST
Seattle (86-76)
War of attrition creates strange winners.
Los Angeles (84-78)
Pitchers drop. Batters creak. Expectations suffer.
Oakland (77-85)
Magic Beane trades. Team still wins.
Texas (64-98)
Team bloats, stinks in oppressive heat.
EAST
New York (94-68)
Randolph smiles. No public executions. Yet.
Atlanta (90-72)
1995 grows one year further away.
Philadelphia (88-74)
Poof! Crash! Smoke and mirrors disappear.
Washington (75-87)
Acta walks toward the mound, again.
Florida (66-96)
The game continues, enveloped by silence.
CENTRAL
Milwaukee (89-73)
Tears of joy make watery beer.
Chicago (87-75)
100 years of solitude last indefinitely.
Cincinnati (82-80)
Dunn's homers don't clog the bases.
St. Louis (79-83)
Have another Bud. Summer lasts long.
Houston (73-89)
Houston has problems. Mission is scrubbed.
Pittsburgh (69-93)
Incline rises. Fortunes will, too. Soon.
WEST
Arizona (91-71)
In Pythagoras' battle, youth shall win.
Los Angeles (89-73)
In Western gunfight, youth shall rot.
Colorado (84-78)
Red hot fires burn out eventually.
San Diego (78-84)
Immobile outfield gives more than it takes.
San Francisco (59-103)
Bats match zeros Lincecum puts up.
AL MVP: Ichiro
Shiny batting average makes writers drool.
AL CYA: Erick Bedard
If he stays healthy, K's mount.
AL CHAMP: New York
Kids aged 8 can't count ringzzzz.
NL MVP: Jose Reyes
Rounding third. Home safe -- This year.
NL CYA: Johan Santana
Here's the pitch. Strike three, called!
NL CHAMP: Atlanta
Before the sunset, one last ride.
World Series Champ: Atlanta
Dixie hopes third time's the charm.
posted by Chris Needham at
10:37 AM
7 Comments:
Hey, thanks for the Seattle love with the AL West championship and MVP / Cy Young winner. As an M's fan I hope you're right about Ichiro, but even with his excellent defense and OPS he is likely to be overlooked since he's already won MVP once, and doesn't hit home runs. I happen to think he earned the one he got in 2001. 116 wins has to count for something.
I'm one of the guys who thought the Bedard for Jones + (boatload of talent) deal was a lousy one...but a pennant and a Cy Young would help heal the wound.
I'll be at Nationals Field tomorrow rooting for the home team. I'm kind of upset that Acta went with Nick Johnson at first. I really covetted him to replace our Mr. .205 at 1B. It'll be nice to see NJ in action.
By
Anonymous, at 3/29/2008 2:19 PM
Tampa Bay only six games worse than the Tigers? What the hell are you smoking, Chris? I want some of it. (Okay, I don't. I have a security clearance to protect.) But really. How many times does Tampa Bay play the Red Sox and Yankees, both of which you project doing fairly well? Are the Orioles really that bad, that the Rays will be able to make up the Yanks/Sox losses by crushing them?
By
An Briosca Mor, at 3/29/2008 2:28 PM
Oracle-issimo. Don't quit your poetry job.
CE
By
Anonymous, at 3/29/2008 4:43 PM
Lighting in bottle? Lightning on first.
By
OleShu, at 3/29/2008 5:58 PM
atlanta pick is atrocious. die braves.
By
Ken Dynamo, at 3/29/2008 8:16 PM
I'm not sure either where you got the Braves thing from.
That rotation has a LOT of mileage on it. The lineup is good, but it's not even in the top two in our division.
Unlike ABM, I WOULD like some of what you are smoking, please.
By
Rob B, at 3/29/2008 8:29 PM
I notice you have interleague play breaking even, or is that just a shortcut?
CE
By
Anonymous, at 3/30/2008 11:25 AM
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