Thursday, June 21, 2007

StanSpeak: 23rd In A Continuing Series

It's been a while since we've had anything extended from our favorite team president. At yesterday's Q&A at ESPNZone (I'm sure he was heartbroken that I didn't make it), he fielded a few, and spits out some of his answers.

I've took the liberty of inputting them into the StanSpeak Translator last night, and it finally emailed me the results: what Stan is really thinking when he's answering those questions.

On what the team has done to improve marketing:
We've had a lot more money this year than we've had in the past because you suckers fell for the stadium pitch. Thanks for making me rich! We had a great caravan of two people that made it all the way to Virginia Beach last year even though gas prices are through the roof, and there will be much more of that this winter if gas prices come down, because we'll be able to invite (Damn, I'm good. Invite sounds so much better than "sell") fans into the new ballpark, and Lord knows if our attendance this year is any indication, we'll need to do lots of "inviting".

No one is going to come to the new ballpark just because we open our doors, except for the schmucks I conned into buying tickets this year. They're going to come when we have a good product (I hope they don't pick up that "product" doesn't necessarily mean "team"). It involves many, many things, some of which, such as winning, that won't happen for years, and we don't take any of them for granted. It's not the NBA, where you can draft Shaq and make it to the Finals or run a lousy franchise for years, sneak into the 8th seed of the playoffs year after year after year, then cite that as one of your accomplishments when running a franchise in a different sport. It's a building process, and we've made a lot of progress over the past year, and there's a lot more coming, especially into our wallets.

On whether Dmitri Young could stay with the Nats:
Sure, there's a chance, just like there was a "chance" that we'd win the pennant this year (HAHA!). We all know his game, and you might describe his game as being more fit for the American League (was that a gentle enough way of saying he fields like an ox?), but he doesn't feel that way, and we love him and his delusions of grandeur. He is a great guy to have in the clubhouse. So we'll see how it all plays out.

On when the team will be competitive:
We expect to win some decade, and it starts with winning the division, then going beyond that in a way my Atlanta Braves never were able to. @#$@#$ Division Series. We took over a last-place team last year and kept it in last place, but more cheaply!, and there weren't a lot of Minor Leaguers ready to go, and there still aren't, so we turned our attention to that because watching the major league club makes me cry. Did you see what Detroit did to us!? This year we're going to see progress over the course of the year. I think we will have some players in September of 2010 that are ready to be called up -- fruits of our farm system like D'Angelo Jiminez and Tony Batista --, and that would be real progress in my mind. Your goals are the same as my goals -- to get to the postseason as soon as possible.

On whether the team itself is a true public service:
Who let the hippie in? Must be one of those DCist jerks. That's not Needham; he actually likes baseball sometimes. There's an element of that, I think, that is true, because I think having a Major League team helps make the city "major league.", something the presences of the NFL, NBA and NHL is unable to provide. And anything that brings together two or three million of our citizens every year is a benefit, even though it's not really 2 or 3 million, just the same 20,000 every night for 81 nights. And the new stadium will attract business, especially to the buildings and land Mr. Lerner owns and have a multiplier effect on the franchise's value and the money I make.

So that romantic notion of baseball as a public service is partially true. But the fans are better off and I'm better off if I think of it as a business. If I think of you as a customer instead of a citizen, I'm going to work as hard as I can to reach out and satisfy you, the customer. Comprende, you socialist bastard? We know it's important to be good neighbors and good citizens, but it's also good business. That will make us -- me and Teddy -- more successful. Now get back to work so you can pay more taxes, you dirty bum.

On his impressions of Manny Acta:
I can't tell you how impressed I am with what he did, especially at the salary we're paying him.


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