Monday, March 19, 2007

Stan Speak, A Continuing Series

He's back! And so is the StanSpeak Translator. Let's plug in his quotes and see what he's really thinking.

On whether the President will be throwing out the first pitch:
Not this year. We asked, but the scheduling is thankfully too tough. But that's OK. We have hopes of establishing that in the future with more popular presidents and we do have exciting opening-day festivities. RFK is a historically dumpy place and this will mercifully be the last home opener there.

On the cherry blossoms in left field:
Beyond the left-field bleachers, we'll have a grove of cherry blossoms. After the first week they'll be green, like our pitching staff, but even so, it's a grove of green trees in your ballpark. That ain't bad, either, but it ain't that exciting either. Buy tickets! Go to You'll be very impressed by our computerized trees. Seriously.

On views of the Washington Monument:
Hopefully, depending where you are in the ballpark, you can see the Capitol on one side (If you're sitting in Section 435, rows 8-10) and the Washington Monument on the other, as long as you're on a ladder on the roof. I just was there last Saturday checking it out. It's going to be as good a photo op as there is in baseball, so get your deposits for tickets in today.

On whether the stadium has a new name yet:
Not yet. It'll be someone deserving, who has demonstrated that they are deserving by paying a lot of money!

[Ed: Amazingly, the translator found him to be telling the complete truth there.]

On other unique features of the stadium:
It'll seat 41,000. It'll be built on the Anacostia River, giving it a unique scent that only Pirates fans can understand. It will have a lot of Washington history. We're checking on a partnership with the Baseball Hall of Fame, but if that costs money or they want a "donation," no dice.

The suite levels will be named after Presidents Washington, Jefferson and Lincoln, and we hope that will convince some patriotic saps to pay an extra $25K for them. The presidential club (legal disclaimer: Does not guarantee presence of President nor your electoral right to office) right behind home plate will have the Oval Office Bar, featuring Washington DC's first $40 martini. We were looking for a way to get D.C. in the park, especially all those potential ticket-buying citizens. We consider making the foul poles Washington Monuments, but we didn't want to be cheesy. Jim does that well enough on his own. But what says D.C. more than cherry blossoms? Pandas, I suppose. And status-seeking former class presidents. And traffic. Hmmm. Alright. Note to self: Work on that last line some more.

On his favorite ballparks:
I love Pittsburgh's and San Francisco's but my favorite for the fans' ability to spend gobs of cash is Atlanta's. I built that!111!!!1!

The Washington park will be something special. You just have to take my word for it, and I have no vested interest in overselling it. And hopefully the Marlins will get their ballpark soon, but not until we've won a bunch of World Series.


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