Monday, January 02, 2006

Happy New Year

One of the advantages of being a multimedia sensation (conclusive, irrefutable proof here and here) is that people come to you with things. Sometimes it's large briefcases full of unmarked bills. Other times it's keys to exotic automobiles.

A source close to the team recently revealed to me the team's New Years Resolutions. Being such a wonderful person, I figured I'd pass them along.

  • Jim Bowden has resolved to drop 15 pounds so that he can comfortably slide back into his rockstar leather pants, and also to acquire pitching, pitching, pitching!

  • Frank Robinson has resolved to not sleep in the dugout, to keep his pointing finger razor sharp, beat the hell out of that fat bastard if he ever sees him again, and to show Raffy Palmeiro how a real Hall of Famer would do it.

  • Bud Selig resolves to continue to use his monopoly to suck the marrow from the bones of DC's children, to limit his custard consumption to three vanilla a week, and to make billions of dollars for his cronies.

  • Bob DuPuy resolves to continue his inelegant approach to negotiations, to have some work done on his jowls, and to stop looking like the Heaven's Gate Creep.

  • Jose Guillen resolves to hit more than three home runs at RFK next season, even if he has to move the fences in himself, pendejo. He also resolves to be nicer to World Leaders than to pieces of garbage who take compromising photos.

  • Nick Johnson resolves to not be injured so he can play at least 104 games next season

  • Jose Vidro resolves to not break down, to lose 20 pounds, and to actually get to a groundball or two.

  • Cristian Guzman resolves to not suck as hard.

  • Ryan Zimmerman resolves to not be called Dutch.

  • Livan Hernandez resolves to slim down to his former playing weight, give up fewer taters, and to fight his urges to beat the hell out of Frank when he yanks him after only 135 pitches.

  • Tony Armas resolves not to hurt his shoulder this week, grow a nifty moustache, and to not look so befuddled.

  • Ryan Drese resolves to keep his farkin' arm angle high, and to not eat his glove.

  • Bill Ladson resolves to continue to provide high-quality, independent journalism that's not approved by Major League Baseball or its clubs.

  • The BPG Forum Folks will continue to love the Nationals in the same way that a puppy dog loves the master that feeds it, even if that master is a scum-sucking, incompetent national disgrace.

  • Brad Wilkerson resolves to hit more home runs than Alf just to piss off Bill Ladson.

  • Linda Cropp resolves to vote one way or another on the stadium bill depending on the weather, her biorhythym chart, and how relaxed she feels.

  • I rselove to profread my post befor i hit sbumit from know on.

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