Thursday, April 10, 2008

StanSpeak: A Continuing Series

The patented StanSpeak translator works not just with our heady Team President, but with all of baseball's major figures, including our very own beloved owner to the north, Mr. Peter "C. Montgomery" Angelos (file photo). (You might remember him from the late-night asbestos ads in between episodes of The People's Court at 2 AM)

Anyway, the cheery and (did I mention?) much-beloved owner (file photo) spoke to the Baltimore Sun. So let's run his (file photo with Fred Manfra) remarks through the ol' StanSpeak translator.

"There's no law against visiting the other franchise. In fact, were it not for the Boston Red Sox and New York Yankees fans visiting our ballpark, our seasonal attendance would be 1/3 of what it was" Angelos said in an interview with The Sun.

"Originally, I said [Washington and Baltimore] were very close to each other, which I have since confirmed by looking at a map" Angelos said. "But nonetheless, it is the nation's capital, and the team is there, and it ought to be supported [isn't the passive voice wonderful?], and hopefully, both franchises will provide successful baseball, although success to me is defined by my profits -- come to think of it, so is the Nats -- so I'm hoping to expand to 40 games played against divisional opponents next season."

"We (my bankers and me) definitely want them to succeed," Angelos said of the Nats. "We're partners (hahahahaha, in a forced marriage sense) in the MASN baseball network [ed: apparently he hasn't heard about the Eastern Carolina University Coach's show!!! Or Anita Marks!!!], and we have an excellent relationship with the Lerner family, one that involves me taking everything I can from them, and with Stan Kasten, who is an old friend of mine." [ed: Anytime a scumbag lawyer says "friend", tighten your sphincter and back away slowly]

"I think the park is going to be very popular if their cheap owners every invest in the on-field product [ed: OK, that was me]. Some of the money-making features are really good, and I wish we had thought of them." Angelos said. He continued, "But did you see those garages? Yeesh!"

The Orioles had a record-low announced crowd of 10,505 for a game last week.

"That's an example of the weather having a very depressing effect on attendance, and not my inability to put a winning team on the field since I stumbled into some good luck in '97, a decade ago," the owner said. "We would have had very substantial crowds, the way we've been playing, had it not been for the weather. In fact, I'm pretty sure we would've sold out the game, all 48,000 seats had it been 80-something. I mean, who doesn't want to watch a Devil Rays and Orioles game?. I know that this was our second game of the year, and that we were 0-1, but dammit, the stupid fans should have realized that we were going to win six in a row and responded accordingly! Stupid, ungrateful fans. ::eats baby::"

  • Thanks to the Enquirer for the link!

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