Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Dear Manny:

Welcome to DC. I trust that you were treated fairly and that your handsome two-year contract offer was sufficient? Aren't you impressed by our GM, Jim Bowden? He sure was clever with that "We're ready to Acta-vate!" introduction, wasn't he? Has he told you about his 1.5 pennants? The man's quite a rockstar. Keep this between you and me, but don't go out drinking with he and his wife. Bad things happen, man.

Now that you're in charge, you'll have to get to know the roster. There are some guys you're really going to like. Nick Johnson, Ryan Zimmerman, Chad Cordero, etc. You probably saw what they can do when your former Mets team was pounding the bejesus out of the Nats. Remember that game early in the year when the Mets hit four homers in the first inning off Livan? Yeah, me too. I probably wasn't as happy as you were, although your shoulder probably got sore from all the high-fives you had to give.

That there, though, is the team's biggest problem. We've got no pitching. You spoke about how you were aware that you weren't going to cut it as a major leaguer pretty early in your career. Well, that wouldn't preclude you from toeing the rubber with the Nats. We stink. If I were you, I'd pull Stan aside and tell him that you're resigning if the team re-signs Ramon Ortiz -- unless they can pull off a complicated sign and trade whereby Ramon goes to the Mets and is contractually obligated to pitch against us.

You seem like you've got a good head on your shoulders for strategy. That's good. The old man you're replacing wouldn't know his... well, let's just say that we've had some disagreements. You're on my good side, for now. Here are a few things you need to do to stay on that good side:
1) Don't ever bat Cristian Guzman second.
2) Don't ever pinch hit with a reliever unless it's the 15th inning.
3) Don't hit and run with a slug on the bases.
4) Don't nap in the dugout.
5) Don't ever bat Cristian Guzman.

It's a simple list. I hope you enjoy DC. If you're looking for good Thai food, I'd go here. If you live in DC, wear your wallet in the front pocket, and keep your wife indoors after dark -- here's a crime map.

Your pal,

Chris

PS: Bring back Mitchell Page.

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