StanSpeak: Spring Training Edition

Have no fear, lady and gentlemen: even with this blog's extended hiatus, the StanSpeak Translator was well taken care of. We didn't leave that bad boy out in the yard to rust, have dogs pee on it, or to be buried under 14 feet of snow. Nosiree. It's as good as ever. (Note: that does not mean it's actually good).

As always, when he speaks, we stand ready to translate. So with his latest QNA with the esteemed Bill Ladson, it's time to figure out what the recently quiet Stanley is really thinking.

ON WHY EVERYONE'S SO POSITIVE:

If you look at how much has changed over the last 12 months and how few track suits and leather pants are floating around, there has been a major revamping -- from the front office to us finally, despite years of assurance, filling the scouting department to the coaching staff, even if we had to tell Steve McCatty that he couldn't have his copies of Penthouse and Hustler sent here.

On the field, we saw real progress over the course of last season, especially with our new groundskeeper -- young players like 28-year old Nyjer Morgan who contributed and showed real promise, and 26-year old Garrett Mock's 5.62 ERA. We had an aggressive offseason of profit-seeking, and all of that leads to the next wave, which so many people are looking forward to, but that may never actually come (see: Willems, Colton). All those elements put together really gives the franchise a different feel than it had a year ago, although when you're already in the Marianas Trench, there's not much further low you can go. There's a lot of optimism for the future because we've managed to kill off all the rational fans, leaving the Kool Aid drinkers and mouthbreathes. And those morons, thanks to a lack of real intense media coverage of our lousy franchise, will suck up whatever we tell 'em. Act now. Tickets are going fast!

ON WHAT THE BIGGEST IMPROVEMENT HAS BEEN:

It's not one thing, but if I had to pick, it would be getting rid of that leather-panted mope. It's the steady, consistent overall program to change things after our years of malaise -- to upgrade things cumulatively, which has resulted in the positive attitude that you are sensing, and not that dopey positive affirmations crap that the village idiot Manny Acta used to ramble about. Things are on the upswing, but we still have a 34 handicap.

We have always known from Day 1 that everything will hinge on what kind of starting pitching you can get, which is why we ignored it for so long and picked up Danny Cabrera and Pedro Astacio, and how quickly you can get a stable rotation in here. But that would also cost money, or require our moron GM to make shrewd trades that didn't net him some magic beans. Obviously, on that front, our future looks quite a bit brighter than it did a year ago, thanks to our years of incompetence netting us a winning lotto ticket with Strasburg. Hey, it worked for Ted Leonsis. Why not us? That would be reason No. 1 for enhanced optimism. Well, that and our rotation which now features Jason Marquis, Livan Hernandez, Miguel Batista, and some kids who all sorta look the same and pitch similarly terribly. But it wouldn't be that optimistic without all the other things to go along with it.

ON HOW LONG DOUBLE-S AND STOREN WILL BE IN THE MINORS:

As soon as they can make it up here reliably at a date behind when they'll be eligible for Super-2 status, that's when we will bring them up. We will not bring them up sooner than they are able, and we will not leave them down there longer than they need to be down there to maximize the length of time we can keep their salaries low.

ON THE OPTIMISM SURROUNDING STRASBURG:

There is also a window to what we could see as the 3rd-place contending team we could, but might not, be in 2011. If Stephen is what we think he is and what we paid him to be, if Chien-Ming Wang can come back like we think he can (assuming that virgin we sacrificed pays off), if Jordan Zimmermann comes back like we think he can, all of a sudden, you have a real big-time rotation, potentially, perhaps, maybe, no guaranteed need apply. And that's what you need before anything else good can happen, which one could use to infer that I don't think anything good will happen this year. I mean, have you SEEN Jason Marquis when he's having a bad game? Yeesh. And Wang had an ERA of like 34, people!

ON MIKE RIZZO:

I think I agree with everyone in baseball who's on his side: He has done a great job cleaning up the little piles of poop Jim left all over the building. He came in here on a real level of expertise and respect with him. I like his aura. We saw that in his dealings with colleagues throughout baseball and how he didn't force other GMs to react uncomfortably to him staring at his F-level "star" wife's saline-filled rack. We saw that in the caliber of professional talent we were able to attract, like his father. Say what you will, but the old man works for Monopoly money. He thinks it's real. Senile bastard. That all speaks of the respect Mike has and his impressive collection of Hawaiian shirts. I thought Mike was aggressive in helping transform the front office, and I think it has paid off in all areas. Apparently he didn't want to be saddled with the same incompetent and understaffed scouting operations we've been running out there for years, even as we told everyone that we were all on the right track. Go figure.