Monday, February 27, 2006

All's Well That Ends Wells

Upon hearing the news that the Nats are interested in David Wells -- with certain strings attached....

Boston-Area Used Car Dealer

J. BOWDEN, a red-haired man of about 40, wearing a stylish navy blue pullover with a large white W on the front, and a mismatched pair of nylon track pants.

THEO, a young, eager car salesman, dressed in his father's white shirt and garish red tie.

THEO: Hi, Welcome to Boston Motors, my name's Theo. What're you looking for today?

BOWDEN: Hiya, buddy. Just looking around, mostly. The axle fell off my '85 Mustang, and I'm looking for some new wheels. It's like I'm always telling my wife, you can't have enough wheels, wheels, wheels!

THEO: Well, is there any special type you're looking for?

BOWDEN: I want something big! As big as they come! What about that thing over there?

BOWDEN gestures over to the behemoth of a vehicle in the far corner of the lot.

THEO: Oh, the 1997 Expedition? They don't make them like they used to. That's for sure. I've gotta warn you though, it guzzles gas, and belches oil.

BOWDEN: Look at the SIZE of that thing! I had one of these back when I lived in Ohio. Finest set of wheels I had. Loved it. I'll take it!

THEO: But it has a ton of miles on it.

BOWDEN: Don't care! I'll take it.

THEO: Well, ok. We're asking $10,000 for it.

BOWDEN: Sounds good. Hey, I don't really have any money to pay for this today, though.

THEO: That's ok. You can just talk to our financing department. Tony can work something out with ya.

BOWDEN: Well, that's a problem, too. I'm on a day-to-day contract, and my credit's shot. So how about I take the wheels. You guys can pay for most of it, since you want to get it off the lot anyway.

THEO: Sir, that's not quite how it works.

BOWDEN: Sure it is. When I was in Ohio, the dealers worked that way.

THEO: Sir, with all do respect, our dealership is one of the top-5 in the nation, and we're on pace for record sales this year.

BOWDEN: C'mon Theo! Let me help you catch some lightning in a bottle. Make the sale. You don't really need anything from me. Tell ya what. Since you're a good kid, I'll throw in this Huffy, and a transmission from this old Pontiac Sunfire. Deal, kid? C'mon!

THEO: Security!


David Wells is old. David Wells suffers with occasional bouts of gout. David Wells is surly. David Wells and Frank Robinson would probably come to blows. David Wells is a decent pitcher, but isn't the difference between the Nationals winning the World Series, and missing the playoffs.


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