Friday, May 20, 2005

Blame Canada!

Today, we renew our naturally rivalry with the dreaded Toronto Blue Jays.

"Natural Rivals" you say? "Yes" says I!

Some would argue that this schedule was made up prior to Les Expos moving. Others might see a Angelosian conspiracy.

But, screw them. I think this is about as natural rivalry as there is. It's good versus evil.

The capital of freedom, democracy, liberty, apple pie versus the capital of a country full of beaver-pelt wearing socialists. Eh, indeed!

Canada's one giant blue state. America's a red-state country, except for those pussified chai-sipping yuppies on the coast. Even worse, they're wannabe Americans! Something like 95% of those hosiers live within 75 yards of the American border. Pat Buchanan may still be railing about a fence on the Mexican border, but I think one on the nothern border is more important!

Some of those weasels even speak French!

They pretend to be enlightened, yet they have strict immigration requirements, instead of letting illegals flow across the border without impunity. (Of course, that's all working under the assumption that anyone would want to go to a country that's primarily permafrost)

Our system of government is vastly superior too. (And to show how wacky they are, they'd spell that 'superiour'!)

We've got three branches, led by a Congress.

They've got a parliament! A freakin' parliament! (Note: I'm not talking about the cheap brand of cigarettes)

Not only that, but they're run by a Prime Minister (Seen here). It sounds like some sort of robotic theocracy they're running there. We better keep our eye on them, lest the continent be turned into a festering pile of grey goo.

Even worse, they're at the center of a number of high-powered international disputes. Sez the CIA factbook:
managed maritime boundary disputes with the US at Dixon Entrance, Beaufort Sea, Strait of Juan de Fuca, and around the disputed Machias Seal Island and North Rock; working toward greater cooperation with US in monitoring people and commodities crossing the border; uncontested sovereignty dispute with Denmark over Hans Island in the Kennedy Channel between Ellesmere Island and Greenland

But, it gets worse. They're polluting our children too!
illicit producer of cannabis for the domestic drug market and export to US; use of hydroponics technology permits growers to plant large quantities of high-quality marijuana indoors; transit point for heroin and cocaine entering the US market; vulnerable to narcotics money laundering because of its mature financial services sector

Remember, this country also pollutes our radio waves with crap like Nelly Furtado, Celine Dion, KD Lang, Rush, Joni Mitchell, and Paul Anka!

Add in no-talent assclowns like Raymond Burr, Billy Shatner, Brendan Frasier, Christopher Plummer, Michael J Fox, and it's clear this is a country that must be stopped.

Toronto IS our natural rival, no matter what anyone says. It truly is good versus evil. Democracy versus socialism. Apple pie versus moose sausage. Krispy Kreme versus Tim Hortons. Tim McCarver versus Don Cherry. (Wait, scratch that)

Go forth, young Nationals! Do this country proud.


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